Letizia and Eve’s reflections on first kink experiences

You may have come across us, or one of us, Letizia and Eve, due to our certain fascination in kink. Both of us receive messages from those curious, who want to explore but don’t know where to start, are unsure what info to share in a request to a kinky provider, not to mention how a kink session can play out. Even more to the point, we both love to receive kink requests. We combined forces to share some thoughts and our backgrounds in kink for the curiosos out there, let’s delve in.

What do you think now about some of your formative kink experiences?

E: 
I think I would say some of my formative kink experiences in Berlin were ‘in the deep end’ so to speak. Some with unexperienced people, who assumed having money to splash on a lot of gear automatically made them experienced. My first latex night I think I’ll probably never forget… I was dressed up in 2 layers of latex over my body, straightjacket, long arm gloves, cloak, full-face mask, high heels (that I rarely wore at the time), hand-cuffed, ankle-cuffed. A latex pump inflated in my mouth (and later in my pu**y). Wearing all of this, driven by him to a club where, I couldn’t even hold my drink nor sip without his assistance. Despite me feeling secure with him, in hindsight he was not a good communicator, which really means it was not a fully safe space. I now emphasise that I need a clear idea of what’s going to go down, people trying to be vague over plans when they could potentially be elaborate as this scenario is now a red flag for me. 

That being said, I’ m grateful that my first kink dates were with really experienced people. They held me after, they constantly checked-in. I would make out that I knew what to expect but now see that as a huge mistake. There’s no point bragging. It’s always obvious in a date on when someone makes out they’re more experienced than they are. Kink is consideration of the other.

L:
I think they were a hit and miss. My first kink experience was with a boyfriend I had when I was 22, he was a little older, quite well known in activist/intellectual circles in Barcelona, I really admired him. (One of those self-proclaimed feminists who can get away with being shit at affective responsibility because they are kind of famous). I was absolutely fascinated with my horny reaction to pain/being humiliated and so was he. It was exciting but I can’t really say I really enjoyed playing with him. Now with the hindsight I see the only reason I was consenting is because I didn’t want to disappoint him, which is really sad. He wouldn’t check on me, on whether I was ok, we never spoke about the sessions “outside of the sessions”… He would just get carried away and I didn’t know how to express myself. I now realise that he had no idea about what he has doing. It was the typical case of bravado and testosterone conflated with what it means to be a dom. Plenty of these in places such as Fetlife.

Luckily I have fine-tuned my sensitivities along the years and I now see red flags better. There is a massive distance with how I get into my sub-space now, in comparison to my formative experiences. Last time I played it was with an experienced rigger, they would read me so well, such a sensitive person and would know when to ask how I’m feeling so that I could slowly enter in my sub-space. I like to compare a kink session with eating at a Michelin starred restaurant. Is about flavours, textures, surprises, creativity… It requires a bunch of sophistication to be able to both give and receive kink. 

E:
I think spending time with someone with some experience, especially with a 'pro' so to speak, will avoid such weirdness coming up. Experienced kinksters will want to know your taboos clearly from the outset, simple as it sounds. But I would say when choosing a kinky partner, pro or not, always go with your gut. 

When a client comes to you inexperienced but with a clear idea of a scenario in their head, what can they expect when you finally both meet?

L:
I keep on having clients who are new to BDSM and, somehow, I feel like telling them something like – if you want to play, be aware of the importance of challenging yourself, of deconstructing some of your assumptions and to really know how to listen to your partner.

E:
I prefer general things about the set-up talked about beforehand so we both know how things will be instigated and how it will run. I don’t think I’ve met anyone asking for a vague ‘bdsm date’ request, it just doesn’t really cut it. I like to know what the scenario will be. Once we meet, we’ll chat and warm-up to each other a bit before, to get a sense of each other, maybe while sipping something delicious. I find that all we’ve already talked about tends to flash in my (and my partner’s) head during this time which adds some electric edge in these first moments together. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if I reemphasise the need for a lot of communication throughout the date (especially when I’m in the submissive role) as I want to enjoy the time and relax into things just as much as my partner. I’m more comfortable with surprises happening after a few meetings, not really in the first. Spoken words are so hot. It’s important (and sexy…) to verbalise your intentions and what you want. Actually, I think this goes for all sex.


And so, here is a brief but rather lush snapshot of some key takeaways of two experienced kinksters looking back to their accumulated years of boudoir experiences. Reflecting in hindsight about that “gut feeling” that was telling us “this doesn’t feel right”, “this feels aligned”, “this is mind blowing”. From the first (perhaps wrongly ignored?) red flags till some cut-glass almost perfect sessions in which magic unfolds, there has been a very conscious reflective learning process in between. It might sound like a cliché but it is indeed the ingredient for a safe, sane and consensual kinky session: communication. Get to know your partner well prior of the session, consent can be well erotic if you find the right narrative to describe your fantasies. Check in during the session, understand you partner might be in a sub space and hence not as verbal as normally. Do not take assumptions and, focus on setting a real connection away from what’s supposed to look “performative” within BDSM imagery.

Good luck all in your juicy endeavours!

Xx

Eve & Leti